Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
