I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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