I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I would ride that face into the sunset
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize