I puked a lego.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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