seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
