life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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