When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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