you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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