some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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