I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
