I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We need to get me chipped asap
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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