Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
