hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
