No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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