if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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