I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
