Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
ttyl tear gas
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
