Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
