I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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