Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
