He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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