Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
No subtext here. People are naked.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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