You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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