I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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