Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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