He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
there is glitter all over my balls
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