this beer tastes like vomit already
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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