The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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