Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
