I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
