I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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