You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
