so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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