can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
