Your dad touched me again.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
