yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
