Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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