im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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