I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you inspire me to be a worse person
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
