Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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