FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
