one two three fourrrrnication!
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
