Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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