You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
