My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
