just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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