I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize