I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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