Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
