just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We left the knife in your bed.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
