Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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