I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
