Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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