Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
