I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
