Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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