At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
