I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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