God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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