You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
