first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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