My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
