oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I got her a Nickelback box set.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
