Sry I called you an 8
We're like a lot better than the average bears
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
