Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
