at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
