The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
