his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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