rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
